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Well, folks, I did it. I took the plunge. I am officially a candidate for the New Blue Party of Ontario. Why? Because someone had to, and apparently, anyone can.

It all started when I realized that Ontario’s political landscape wasn’t nearly unhinged enough. Doug Ford’s PCs? Too mainstream. The Ontario Liberals? Please. The NDP? Let’s not even go there. I needed a party that really got me—one that believed in the important things, like stopping “wokeism,” exposing the hidden communist plots in grade school, and making sure the Toronto Star doesn’t get to gamble away our democracy. One without a code of conduct in sight. Ugh.. 

Enter: The New Blue Party. 

The Application Process: As Rigorous as a Facebook Comment Thread (remember those?)

Just like arguing online with my constituents, applying to run for New Blue was a breeze. No need for a political background, experience, or, you know, basic competency. Just a deep-seated resentment for the establishment and a willingness to say "elite globalists" at least three times per speech. 

A quick form, a small donation (because the grift never stops), and boom—I was in. The hardest part was explaining to my family why I was suddenly campaigning against things like bicycle lanes and diversity training. It's kinda' awkward now when they're around. 

The Campaign: A Masterclass in Losing

From day one, I knew I was up against some serious challenges. Not from the mainstream parties—those guys weren’t even aware I existed—but from my own party's ability to function.

Here’s how my campaign is going so far:

🗳️ Lawn Signs: I ordered them, but turns out no one wants to display them. Not even my mom.

📢 Debates: I was invited to one, but when I showed up and started ranting about how “the woke mob is ruining Christmas,” even the PPC guy looked concerned.

💰 Fundraising: It’s mostly me recycling my own money through donations to meet minimum requirements. It’s a lot like an MLM, except instead of selling vitamins, I’m selling paranoia.

🚪 Door Knocking: My favorite response so far? “New Blue? Is that, like, a shoe brand?”

The Policies: Bold. Unhinged. Completely Useless.

The beauty of running for New Blue is that I never have to talk about real issues. Housing crisis? Nope. Healthcare? Pass. Instead, I get to focus on the real threats facing Ontarians, like:

🔵 The Communist Menace in Kindergarten: Did you know they’re teaching kids to share? Sounds a little Marxist, doesn’t it?

🔵 The Tyranny of Pronouns: Nothing threatens Ontario’s economy quite like people having the audacity to choose their own identifiers.

🔵 The Toronto Star’s Gambling License: I’m still not sure why this is such a big deal, but Jim Karahalios keeps bringing it up, so here we are.

🔵 Balance the Budget: Never done one, so it will be a learning experience! 

Election Night: Embracing My Fate

I already know how this ends. The polls will close, the votes will be counted, and my total number of supporters will be me, my weird uncle, and a couple of confused libertarians who thought they were voting for something else.

And that’s fine. Running for the New Blue Party isn’t about winning. It’s about sticking it to the establishment by ensuring they never even notice you. It’s about fighting the system by remaining a permanent political footnote. It’s about losing so hard that it somehow feels like a victory.

And hey—if this doesn’t work out, I can always run for mayor on a platform of outlawing oat milk and bringing back incandescent light bulbs. Someone’s gotta stand up for the real issues.

Parody of and not written by or affiliated with the municipal councillor found to have violated Chatham-Kent's municipal code of conduct.