My Platform
If I’m going to run for office, I need a platform that reflects the real issues facing Chatham-Kent. Not the usual stuff like roads, healthcare, or economic development—boring! I’m talking about bold, groundbreaking policies that will shake things up, get people talking, and most importantly, confuse the heck out of everyone.
🏴 Fly-Your-Own-Flag Fridays 🏴
Enough fighting over which flags get flown—let’s turn it into a municipal revenue stream! Every Friday, community organizations can bid in an online auction to fly their flag on any municipal flagpole of their choice. Want to raise the "We Love Crocs" flag in front of City Hall? Highest bidder wins. Proceeds go toward whatever the mayor wants that week.
Assuming Full Participation Across Locations and rough estimates:
City Hall Flagpole: $1,500 x 52 weeks = $78,000/year
5 Main Municipal Buildings: ($750 x 5) x 52 weeks = $195,000/year
10 Random Government Buildings: ($200 x 10) x 52 weeks = $104,000/year
Total Annual Revenue: $377,000 to offset taxpayer's burden.
🏡 The "If You Can't Afford a House, Build a Shed" Housing Plan
The housing crisis is a myth created by millennials who refuse to eat fewer avocados. That’s why I’m rolling out a new, innovative solution:
If you can’t afford a house, you will be legally allowed to live in a backyard shed.
Residents with big backyards will be forced to rent out at least one (if you don’t, you’re a socialist).
Mortgage rates too high? Then just buy a house in 1998 like a responsible adult.
Homeownership isn’t out of reach—you just need to stop making excuses.
📢 Open Mic Council Meetings
Council meetings can be so dull. Let’s spice things up by turning the first 30 minutes into an open mic session. Citizens can voice concerns, sing protest songs, or do five minutes of stand-up. All we ask is that any insults toward councillors be at least somewhat clever.
🚗 Free Parking for Anyone Who Can Parallel Park on the First Try (Excluding King Street)
We’re rewarding real skill in this town. If you can execute a perfect parallel park while a bylaw officer watches, you get one free month of parking. If you fail, you have to donate $5 to the pothole repair fund.
🐔 The Backyard Chicken Lottery
People want backyard chickens, but regulations are complicated. My plan? A chicken lottery. Every month, one lucky household gets permission to own a backyard chicken(s?)—no paperwork required. Bonus: The winner gets five minutes at a council meeting to name the chicken live on-air.
🚧 The “Do-It-Yourself” Infrastructure Plan
The government is too slow at fixing roads. That’s why I’m introducing Pothole Privatization.
If you see a pothole, you can personally claim it.
Filling a pothole earns you a tax credit (limit one per resident because this isn't socialism).
Any road left unfixed for six months becomes a gravel road again—it worked for our ancestors, it will work for us.
Chatham-Kent’s infrastructure will now be maintained by people who truly care: unpaid volunteers. This will inject millions directly back into the community.
💰 "Transparency Tuesdays"—Live Streaming City Hall Expenses
Every Tuesday, the city’s credit card statements will be live-streamed. Watch in real time as we try to justify spending $8,000 on ergonomic office chairs while your road remains a crater.
📅 Mandatory “Move on With Your Life” Day
Any issue that’s been argued for more than six months with no resolution (looking at you, flag drama) gets a forced community vote. Whatever the outcome, everyone agrees to shut up about it forever. Commissioner investigations will be prohibited.
Final Thoughts: Vote for Me, or Else
You don’t have to agree with me on everything—just agree that I should speak for you. If elected, I promise to:
✔️ Never read reports longer than a tweet.
✔️ Introduce at least three meaningless but exciting bills per month.
✔️ Prioritize outrage over actual governance.
✔️ Take it personal
Because at the end of the day, why solve problems when we can just yell about them instead?
🔵 Vote New Blue. Because feelings are for socialists and math is fake news.